They know not what they do
Excusing the poor behaviour of friends, colleagues and comrades may feel natural. But is is right?
Before I go any further, I would like to say how much the incredible response to my last email has meant to me. Not everyone agreed with my position (which, of course, is more than fine!), but everyone responded politely and unabusively. That was a long way from what I was expecting when I pressed send. Some of you - from those who are gender-critical to those who are exploring their own relationships with gender - responded with the most incredibly kindness and warmth towards my words in a way that has made me cry and beam with gratitude - often at the same time. Words cannot express how much that has meant to me, but these two will have to do: Thank you.
In all our lives there are going to be occasions where someone we know and love is going to do something indefensible. When these people (and sometimes ourselves too) happen to be in the public eye, we will all feel a certain amount of pressure to defend them in some way or another. This is a natural, human and good thing to want to do. In fact it is the cruelty that comes with the public “I know thee not old man” attitude taken by so many on social media against a genuine friend for fear of being tarnished, targetted and set upon that hurts the most. It is the thing those on the other end often speak of with the most bitterness.
But how do we defend a friend we know has done wrong? Or is defence even the right strategy? Should we instead make it clear that we love the sinner not the sin (as the old christian line on homosexuality ran)?
This question is going to be at the heart of how we deal with the coming year in politics. This is all tied up in a lot of the regular themes of this newsletter. The way we behave within our own factions, bubbles and parties and the behaviours we find acceptable within them that we would deplore from others. They way we outsource far too much of our own politics to flawed individuals rather than working collectively for action. The way we then care far too much about *who* does something (however ineffective) rather than that something effective is done.
All of us will probably find ourselves challenged by this in some way over the coming months. There are just too many things coming to a head. If you’re a Tory you will be challenged repeatedly over the behaviour from the top down over lockdown.
The vast majority of my readers, of course, will have no problem with calling that for the disgrace it is. But there are things coming up that will test whether they can hold on to that sense of fair play and proportion when it comes to their own party.
There are currently 56 MPs being investigated for abuse and sexual harrasment. We know already that two of them are in the shadow cabinet. So we also know that they absolutely will not all be Tories (we should have known that anyway - women in the Labour Party have been shouting for long enough about this stuff, but then when are women in the Labour Party ever listened to?).
How do we respond to those on our side doing bad things. Well I would say categorically not like this:
“Oh well I met that nice Fred West down the pub once and he seemed a decent sort - live and let live…”
(For the hard of thinking, I am not equating Liam Byrne and Fred West. I am exagerating for comic effect. Becuase doing that in writing never goes wrong right Liam?)
We don’t change behaviours by only challenging them when it is politically convenient. We have to be harder on our own for letting us down than we are on the other side for living down to our expectations. Unless we do, the truth is that we will lose untold talent from the party as people - and especially women - step away from the toxicity.
This is not to say that we don’t all make mistakes. God I know I do. And when I have, I have also been punished for doing so and taken that punishment as a learning opportunity.
Because the truth is if we defend the indefensible, we don’t just hurt the victims. We deny the people who have done wrong a chance to learn and grow.
When your friend, colleague or comrade does wrong you need to think deeply about what standing by them can and should look like.
Be kind to a friend or colleague who is going through this. But be honest too. Tell them that you cannot and should not deny the severity of what they have done or try to downplay it. You will be there for their learning and support them emotionally but not politically. You will call them. You will not call out their accusers.
That’s the human way to respond to publicly relevant poor behaviour. It is not to circle the wagons, attack the victim or to deny the problem. And if you want me to sell you that in terms that fit a hyper-partisan lens - imagine the talent your faction/party might lose if you make it this unattractive. We all sometimes need motivation beyond the altuistic so take what you need to do the right thing.
I run a political and communications consultancy called Political Human. Please get in touch if you are looking for political or media consultancy advice, strategic communication and campaign planning, ghostwriting, copywriting, editing, training or coaching.
You can read some lovely things that some of my clients have said here.
I am also a playwright and director. Tickets for my next play, Triggered, which runs at the Lion and Unicorn in Kentish Town from June 20-22 are on sale here. While everyone always says this, sales really are brisk! A third of tickets have already gone, which this far out is spectacular. I also happen to know we have at least two block bookings coming, so I highly recommend buying your tickets now while you still can!
My debut piece No Cure For Love can be seen here. There’s some interesting news on this coming so watch this space…!
What I’ve been up to
To be honest, what I’ve been up to is lots and lots and lots of client work. So not a lot of publishing. One of my clients is the glorious Epping Forest Heritage Trust who have been running the #LoveEppingForest campaign. If you’re East London based share your love for this wonderful ancient forest and ask anyone standing for the council in Epping, Newham, Redbridge or Waltham Forest to sign up to protect it!
What I will be up to
I will be ‘in conversation’ at Birkbeck Student Union talking about playwriting and my weird old career on the 12th May. Tickets can be purchased here.